Back in my country store days, an insurance salesman would stop by now and then. One day, he encountered one of his prospective customers. The salesman said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you lately. Like I keep saying, you really oughta buy some life insurance.” The customer responded, “I know, I just ain’t got around to it.” The salesman reached into his pocket and pulled out a small round disc, about the size of a half-dollar. Printed on it, in large black letters, was the word: TUIT. “Here ya go,” the salesman said. “Now, you’ve got a round tuit!”
I was reminded of that while cleaning out my own pocket. I had stashed a bunch of notes, full of random ideas, each of which was going to turn into a column one day. But, I never got around to writing any of them.
Upon further review, the reason is because I couldn’t grow them beyond a sentence or two. Still, they shouldn’t go to waste, so allow me to share a few golden nuggets from my pocket.
From the book “Gatekeepers” by Chris Whipple: On a visit to England, President Reagan went horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth. The queen’s horse took off with a gallop, passing gas quite loudly. Upon their return, the embarrassed queen said, “Mr. President, I am SO sorry about that.” Reagan smiled and said, “That’s funny...I thought it was the horse!”
On the topic of odors, what is it about ladies, and their amazing sense of smell? One day I ate some lasagna, with extra garlic. As soon as I said hello to my wife, she said, “Oh my Goodness! Ugh!! What did you have for lunch?” And I was talking to her on the phone.
Today’s grammar tip: Always proofread carefully before posting, to see if you any words out.
I heard a weather forecaster say there’s an “outside” chance of snow. Isn’t that where it always snows?
When I drive past a state trooper who is running radar, and I’m under the speed limit, I always feel like he should pull me over and give me a reward. So far, that has not happened.
I love getting those fancy envelopes in the mail that say: “YOU have been personally selected to receive this incredible prize!” Yet, they’re always addressed to “Current Resident.”
True story: Burger King has released a new Whopper-scented fragrance. Also a true story: that is what I smell like once a week anyway.
My favorite part of the day is calling the computer repair service line, and the rep says, “I’m sorry, this may take a while. My computer isn’t working today.”
I asked my wife if she would get up early the next day, on a cold morning, and cook me a hot breakfast. She said her kitchen would be open, but there would be a 2 hour delay.
I met some nice folks at the restaurant. They were a little older than me. The man wanted a pic of his wife and me. I handed him my phone, and I showed him how to take the pic. He said, “I’ll wait for it to warm up.” I told him it didn’t need to warm up. Sure enough, it didn’t work the first time. He handed it back to me and said, “See, I told you it needed to warm up.”
From Facebook: “I wish the man on TV would quit talkin’ bout the windshield factor, and just say weather or not it will snow.”
I just read that Congress has a 15% approval rating. That’s lower than hemorrhoids, potholes, and jury duty. Yes it’s true, Americans prefer hemorrhoids over Congress. You didn’t think I’d sit on that story, did you?
Got a favorite ad slogan? I heard one on a Kentucky radio station that cracked me up. ”At Schmidt Cabinets, we take so much pride in our work, we put our name inside every drawer.” At the end of the commercial, they say, “So if you don’t see our name in your drawers...you ain’t got Schmidt!”
I heard a TV fashion expert say “Kim Kardashian looks like a million dollars today.” That made me wonder. If you’re worth $4.5 billion, is that meant as an insult?
Watching the Braves. Wife: “How come the Phillies have such cute players?” Me: “Don’t you have something to do?”
Finally, as I was leaving the post office, a nice lady smothered me with compliments. She said she watches me on the news, loves my radio show, and enjoys my stories. My head swelled like a Macy’s parade float. I thanked her and walked away. The next guy who saw me yelled out, “Hey, don’t you play a news guy on TV?” Suddenly, I’m back to earth.