My electronic key fob is putting more mileage on ME than on the car.

For the past several months, I have tried to build up the nerve to do a thorough search of the contents of my trunk. I am hoping against hope that an overly sensitive trunk-release button on the fob HASN’T left several of my childhood keepsakes strewn along the roadside.

Granted, a neighborhood raccoon has already done a PARTIAL job of searching through the trunk (kindly forcing me to scoop up scattered belongings from the driveway before I could hurry off to work) when the trunk stayed open all night because of a stray signal from inside the house. (Yes, my life is a suspense movie. “The stray signal is coming from inside the house!”)

I keep second-guessing myself, worried that I’ve shut up a curious cat in the trunk or that the mere act of my plopping down behind the steering wheel has prepped me for a madcap adventure of leaving a trail of litter. (“Happy trails to you…until …you get… a ticket!”)

Sometimes I’ll miraculously go for a few days without a hint of trouble from the trunk (or the car BURGLAR ALARM – nothing relaxes you like finally crashing on the sofa to watch TV and having the honking car compete not only with the commercials but also with a robocall reminding you about the EXTENDED WARRANTY ON YOUR KEY FOB), but then it makes up for lost time. I have “butt-dialed,” “nipple-dialed,” “thigh-dialed” and apparently a few internal vestigial organs have volunteered to get in on the action.

Mind you, I’m not soliciting advice about workarounds and fixes. I am taking under advisement all the stuff I’ve read about reprogramming and expensive fob holders and all that. Right now, I just want to VENT.

HAIR-TRIGGER trunk, alarm, lock and unlock buttons on a key fob are ingenious solutions to problems that never really existed. Who needs a trunk to pop open that easily unless they’re on a tight schedule to deliver an underworld informant to a cement-overshoes ceremony? If you really want to scare away muggers in a darkened parking lot, why not have an illuminated bumper sticker that says, “My Honor Roll student is selling band candy and will track you down via facial recognition software”?

Until I settle on a better solution, when I remember, I separate my keys from my pants as soon as I get home. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your car keys where someone will spill pancake syrup on them.”

The key fobs are supposed to be a CONVENIENCE, but separating them from your pockets mostly means a lot of return trips to the house. They’re convenient only in terms of keeping Dr. Seuss fresh on your mind. (“Did I leave it on the table, or by that print of Betty Grable? Did I hang it on the fridge? Won’t you &%5E%$#@ help me, just a smidge?”)

I’d like to dim my headlights and catch the key-fob engineers in a dark alley. They didn’t put much thought into what all could go wrong. What ELSE have they not taken into consideration about vehicles?

(“Nah, nobody would ever turn onto a street named after a TREE. So, there’s only a miniscule chance that the ejector seat would ever be activated…”)

Danny Tyree welcomes email responses at tyreetyrades@aol.com and visits to his Facebook fan page “Tyree’s Tyrades.”

0
0
0
0
0

Note:

We have changed our commenting system. If you do not have an mdjonline.com account, you will need to create one in order to comment.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.