By many accounts, Joe Biden is spending a whole bunch of his time lately in conferences with campaign officials and attorneys, vetting possible vice-presidential candidates to run with him on the Democratic presidential ticket. He’s already stated many times that the person chosen will be a woman. That immediately narrowed the field to approximately 85 million Americans.
Quickly subtracting Republicans, those incarcerated, and the vast number of ladies who are totally fed up with politics and don’t want anything to do with the whole mess, the possibilities become a lot more manageable. Even then, though, much has to be taken into consideration.
I’m just guessing here, but perhaps some of the inner-sanctum conversations in the Biden basement bunker of late might have gone something like this:
JOE: So, where are we now?
AIDE 1: Well, we’ve eliminated anyone who ever called you “Sleepy Joe.”
JOE: Good call.
AIDE 2: Unfortunately, that was more than a few.
AIDE 1: And we also threw out anyone who has ever advocated overthrowing the government.
JOE: Wise decision.
AIDE 2: Fortunately, we’ve come up with a list of at least a few dozen women we feel would be excellent running mates.
JOE: Now you’re talking. No malarkey. I like that.
AIDE 1: We do seem to be having one small problem with everyone, though.
JOE: What’s that?
AIDE 2: Social media.
JOE: What about it? That’s killing Trump.
AIDE 1: That’s true. But it’s virtually impossible nowadays to find someone who hasn’t done or said something pretty darn stupid in their entire lives that hasn’t been captured on YouTube or Facebook or Twitter or TiKTok or you name it.
AIDE 2: Well, for example, we’ve found videos of a couple of these younger candidates drinking beer when they were in college.
JOE: Hey, I like a brewski myself every so often.
AIDE 1: Uh, these ladies were, well, suffice it to say, they were champion chuggers. They could make 12 ounces disappear in about three seconds.
AIDE 2: At a fraternity party, yes. As a skill for a running mate, not so much.
JOE: What about some of the not-as-young-but-still-just-as-good candidates?
AIDE 1: Excellent job with your politically correct phrasing, sir. While there aren’t as many instances of embarrassing incidents in that group, as you know, when you run for public office these days, everything you say and do are subject to scrutiny.
JOE: Tell me about it. The fact is, that happens to everybody. I may have done it once or twice myself.
AIDE 2: Right. But, again, all those “oops” moments are now being caught on video and posted online so everyone can see.
JOE: That’s OK. The mass media likes my campaign.
AIDE 1: Most of the press, yes, that’s true. But it’s hard to put a lid on rhetoric that tends to make the opposition furious.
JOE: Hey, that’s one of the jobs of being vice president, isn’t it? I should know. It’s actually kind of fun. You get to say things that can be a little edgy and get away with it. Just cover for the president.
AIDE 2: Well, we think any number of these women would be quite capable of being edgy if needed. And don’t get us wrong, there are some very qualified names on our list. We just want to make sure we’re covering all our bases.
JOE: Baseball analogy. I like that. Work that into the announcement. Very appropriate now that it seems the game is back.
AIDE 1: Is it OK with you if whoever is chosen may have said one or two derogatory things about you? Maybe referenced your age or the fact that perhaps she doesn’t think you’re liberal enough in this current culture climate?
JOE: Nobody’s called me a curmudgeon like Bernie yet have they?
AIDE 2: No one on the list, no.
JOE: Then don’t worry about it. Now, is there anything else before you keep vetting?
AIDE 1: Not really.
JOE: Don’t forget to make sure our names go together well on the bumper stickers. As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking that if you could find a qualified candidate with the last name Time, that would be best.
AIDE 2: Time, sir?
JOE: Yeah. Think about it: Biden-Time. Works two ways. It’s time for me, and we’re just waiting until we can turn things around in this country.
AIDE 1: Ha! We’ll look into it.
JOE: I’m kidding, guys. Let’s find the best candidate. But . . . if you do run across that Time person ...
AIDE 2: Top of the list.