I had a dream the other night - no, make that a nightmare. I dreamed that newspaper columnists had to be re-elected by their readers and had to make campaign promises like the politicians we cover.

Remind me to never again watch reruns of "Seinfeld" before I go to bed. It does weird things to your mind.

In my dream, I am standing up in front of a bunch of bored people who are there just to eat my barbecue and I am smiling at them in my dark blue suit with the sincere tie. Thus begins my campaign speech:

"My friends - and you are my friends - my name is Dick Yarbrough and I am running for re-election as your modest and much-beloved columnist. You have done me the great honor of allowing me to represent you in the Marietta Daily Journal over the past year and I hope I can count on your support to return me to the editorial pages again next year.

"It has been a busy year. I have written 104 columns and approximately 72,800 words. Some of them actually had commas where they were supposed to be. I have tried to restrict my utterances to one syllable in order not to confuse you. For example, instead of "progressivism" and "connectivity," I prefer easy-to-understand words like "dumb" and "fool."

"I have worked hard for you. While my colleagues were frustrated by the closed-door shenanigans of the Cobb County Board of Education, I had columnist commandoes cleverly placed inside the room during those sessions. Board members assumed they were potted plants. It was during those secret meetings that I reported to you that Dr. John Crooks showed up as Ronald McDonald and suggested that the Eastvalley Tower of Babel be disguised as a fig tree in order to avoid a circus.

"I am proud of my ecumenical record. At one time or the other this past year, I have managed to upset flaggers, the ACLU, atheists, Baptists, gays, yuppies, goat owners, Yankees, Democrats, Republicans and an occasional clown.

"As your columnist, I have been particularly successful in bringing international issues to the forefront in Cobb County. I was highly praised by NATO for recognizing the critical role General Rapporteur, aka Congressman David Scott, played in convincing Russia not to invade Powder Springs and for confirming there really is a place called Latvia. Scott's constituents in Cobb County were delighted to be apprised of his whereabouts since they haven't seen much of him in the district.

"Incidentally, NATO has invited me to attend next year's Parliament Assembly scheduled for Albania (or maybe it is Albany. I get those two places mixed up.) where Gomer Pyle will give the keynote address. I intend to be there if the dates don't conflict with my long-scheduled commitment to remove lint from my navel.

"At the state level, I encouraged the General Assembly to deal with the most critical issues facing our state, including legislation to prevent microchips from being placed on our body parts without our permission, lest Martians know when we go to the potty. To my knowledge, Georgia is the only state that has had the courage to address the issue and I must take some small credit for keeping our legislators focused on the things that matter most to you.

"You can see how much I have done over the past year, my dear readers, but there is much yet to be accomplished. If you will do me the great honor of re-electing me to the pages of the MDJ, I promise I will continue to work for world peace, a cure for ringworm and synthetic turf in all our school buses.

"I will also work to restore the Georgia values and strong leadership that brought our state growth, opportunity and far-reaching prosperity in the past. Frankly, I have no idea what that means but Roy Barnes said it so it must be important."

Then I awoke in a cold sweat and realized that it was all a bad dream. I don't have to say things I don't mean and make promises I don't intend to keep. I just have to prick a few egos and figure out where the commas go.

I love this job.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at yarb2400@bellsouth.net or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.