The recent secret meeting of the Cobb County Board of Education was not as secret as the participants thought it was. Once again, I had column commandos cleverly posted throughout the meeting room watching their every move.

Being a columnist commando can be very hazardous work. While the board was discussing employee dismissal tribunals behind closed doors, one of my operatives was in the room disguised as board member Holli Cash's pompom. I am told he was truly shaken by the meeting.

Frankly, I wasn't sure I would have my commandos back in time to set up for the board meeting. I had sent them to Washington to infiltrate the White House and secretly observe President Barack Obama's hands-on management of the Gulf oil disaster.

Alas, the mission failed. The president was playing golf that day.

So, it was back to the school board and democracy in action.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

"This secret meeting will come to order. Yes, Ms. Cash?"

"Madame Chairwoman, I propose that we start this meeting with a cheer:"

"Hello, board and a happy greeting!

Welcome to our secret meeting!

We're all here to do our duty!

So clap your hands and shake your booty!"

YAY! RAH! RAH!

"Thank you, Ms. Cash, for that inspirational message. May I suggest you put your pompom down? I thought I heard teeth rattling in it.

"Dr. Crooks, you have your hand up?"

"Yes. I propose we build a cell tower in Dick Yarbrough's front yard."

"Yarbrough! Yarbrough!

What a doofus!

Why do we care if he tries to

Spoof us?"

YAY! RAH! RAH!

"Ms. Cash, we're running a little late so could we hold the cheers, please? Besides, your pompom seems to be groaning.

"Dr. Crooks, I'm going to suggest we table your motion and insert instead the previous motion that Mr. Yarbrough be attacked by a swarm of locusts."

"Thank you, Madam Chairwoman. However, I believe that motion was to turn him into a block of salt."

"So noted. Dr. Abraham?"

"Can we get on with business? I have a group of eager school board candidates waiting for me at the Cobb County Association of Educators session. I have been demonstrating the use of water cannons against mouthy parents and today we will begin using live water. This can be very dangerous and I need to be there."

"I agree, Dr. Abraham. The reason I called this meeting is to discuss outsourcing Employee Dismissal Panels."

"Outsourcing! Outsourcing!

It's so neat!

Getting others to do our work

Just can't be beat!"

YAY! RAH! RAH!"

"Ms. Cash, please no more cheers. Besides, your pompom is turning green. Establishing tribunals is an important issue that needs our immediate attention. The last employee dismissal panel was late getting started because board member David Morgan forgot about it and showed up after a morning of tennis. Mr. Morgan is a valued member of the team but it is hard to take dismissal hearings seriously when you have to smell his sweaty socks."

"Madame Chairwoman, I recommend we use the water cannon on Mr. Morgan's socks next time."

"Good idea, Dr. Abraham."

"I think we should turn his feet into a block of salt."

"Thank you for that suggestion, Dr. Crooks.

"All in favor of outsourcing the employee dismissal panels and violating the Georgia Open Record law by voting on the matter in secret, please nod your head up and down vigorously.

Now, before we go into open session, let's get some advice from our communications director Jay Dillon on how to handle the matter publicly. Mr. Dillon?"

"Madame Chairwoman, the first thing to do is remind the public that this secret meeting is not Watergate. And if they persist, just say, 'Who cares?'"

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Then hose them with Dr. Abraham's water cannon."

"Madame Chairwoman?

"Yes, Ms. Cash?"

"My pompom just threw up on your head."

"Thank you, Ms. Cash. I thought that was Mr. Morgan's socks I was smelling. Secret meeting adjourned. Now, let's go hose the public."

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at yarb2400@bellsouth.net or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.