This is a belated Valentine's column. I have been ill lately, two days in the hospital and two weeks in bed. While recuperating I witnessed a backlash against author Lori Gottlieb and her just released a book "Marry Him! The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." Oooh, that's the kind of title that's going to get some people in an uproar, and it did.

Voltaire once said "The perfect is the enemy of the good." Whether it's stressing over keeping a showcase house, raising the perfect children, or submitting the flawless proposal, we all drive ourselves into a vortex of stress over the unattainable. In the meantime we dismiss the good, the very good and even the great along the way, and also deprive ourselves of a happy and somewhat stress-free life.

Nowhere is this more prevalent than in the dating scene. When I was 30-something and newly married, I sincerely tried to help my single friends, who were overly focused on finding faults in their dates, rather than looking for the good that might be buried under dating stress.

"Do you want me to compromise my standards just to get married?" would be the defensive retort. I backed off quickly. Of course I didn't, and don't, want anyone to compromise true standards. I just want women to take another look and see if they are confusing true standards with petty roadblocks.

There aren't too many things we should hold up as deal-breakers in another person, given that we aren't perfect either. Faithfulness to a future spouse, a strong work ethic, living by the Golden Rule, respect for women, a lack of terrible habits (alcoholism, gambling, drug use etc.), compatible views on children, and a sense that he will stick around when life gets tough ... and trust me it will. But I was hearing things like: a few inches too short, not a good dresser; and the all-time deal killer, doesn't make enough money; which short-sightedly ignores Mother's wise advice of "potential."

Gottlieb even hesitated dating a man because he had the "nerdy" name of Sheldon. According to Newsweek, Gottlieb is gorgeous, funny, educated at Stanford Medical School and rich, via her books and Hollywood contracts. But according to her, she always thought she was such a fantastic catch that she assumed she would never have to settle.

She now says she missed the boat - several times - by focusing on potential mates' flaws and expecting too much. So she is now single at 42, and has a 4-year-old son, courtesy of a sperm donor.

I used to believe that the greatest thing about marriage is that you would have a witness to your life. Someone to whom you could turn and say "Remember when ..." and he would always remember; and you could laugh together because you had shared experiences and happy memories. Your own family.

As I get older, I've added another thing. It must be tough to be very sick all alone. I've always known my husband is an incredible man. I've never doubted that I married up. But when I was recently ill, he just put himself up for the "Husband of the Century Award" with his compassion and commitment. He took time off and took care of the kids, the household and, mainly, to nurse me back to health.

Words escape me for the respect I have for this great man. Whenever I would thank him or apologize for the burden I was to him, he would just repeat our marriage vows, "In sickness and in health."

I came back to health with a renewed commitment to put my marriage before my children, because I constantly read that this is the hallmark of a strong family and it makes for happier and more secure children. Women oftentimes forget to do this.

I know intellectually that my husband has faults and always did, but I choose to ignore them and consider him perfect in my eyes. In all the important ways he is - and he has an awesome sense of humor to boot. Maybe I just decided 16 years ago that true standards were more important than petty roadblocks to a happy life.

JoEllen Smith is an education activist and freelance writer in east Cobb.