Now, I have learned that this decade won't end for another 51 weeks. Bummer.
I thought about running the column anyway and see if anybody would notice, but some sharp-eyed reader would catch it and alert the editor who would be embarrassed and would punish me by making me call Bill Press and tell him he is my hero. I predict Bill Press wouldn't know me from a potted palm.
So I will stash the column and give you instead a few predictions for 2010 which are also patented but don't have a money-back guarantee because they haven't happened yet. It is the policy of the C. Richard Yarbrough Multinational Media and Pest Control Company to guarantee nothing before its time.
I predict that in 2010 despite great public pressure from voters and the media to hold their meetings behind closed doors, the Cobb County Board of Education will strongly resist. Chairman John Abraham will issue a statement saying, "We are a public body and as elected officials our constituents need to be comfortable that we are doing their business in the open. If they are not, we will threaten to have them arrested and have their picture plastered on the front page of the paper. That ought to do the trick. Now, don't bother me anymore."
I predict that Cobb Commission Chairman Sam Olens and Cobb Rep. Rob Teilhet will discover soon that they are running for the same job - Attorney General - and will decided to run as a team. If they win, Olens will serve on odd days and Teilhet on even days. The two attorneys general will combine their name and will be called "Olay." They will then offer a line of beauty products to help defray the cost of keeping so many attorneys on the state payroll suing everybody but legislators who don't pay their taxes.
I predict that Marietta City Councilman and downtown Marietta property owner Philip Goldstein will get tired of all the criticism he receives from the media and other members of council and will buy up the parts of the city he doesn't already own and move the whole place to New Mexico where he can get a little peace and quiet. The remainder of the City Council will have no city to govern and will invade Smyrna.
I predict that with the retirement of long-time Marietta Blue Devils football coach Friday Richards, an announcement will be made shortly that he is being replaced by Indianapolis Colts center Jeff Saturday. "It is very important that our program have continuity," MHS Principal Leigh Colburn will say, "and going from Friday to Saturday gives us that."
Principal Colburn will go on to add that she had hoped to interest Evangelist Billy Sunday in serving as backup coach but, unfortunately, he has been dead too long and she is now in talks with former Los Angeles Dodger right fielder Rick Monday. Tuesday Weld has agreed to be basketball coach.
I predict that former Cobb County chairman Bill Byrne will move back to Cobb County and run for his old job. He will campaign on a platform of bringing the Gay Games to Cobb in 2012. Former Commissioner Gordon Wysong will serve as chair of the official bid committee, which will consist only of Baptist preachers.
"This will show everyone how serious I am to have the Gay Games here," Byrne will say.
I predict that Cobb state Rep. Bobby Franklin will once again introduce legislation in the 2010 session of the General Assembly to have red clay declared Georgia's Official Dirt. This time I predict he will be successful because I am going to use my considerable influence to help him with his quest. I am tired of people laughing at me when I have to tell them that Georgia does not have an Official Dirt.
Finally, I predict the editor isn't going to like my predictions and is going to make me call Bill Press. I predict when I do I will tell Press that when the light is right, he looks just like Bill O'Reilly. I predict he won't like that.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at email@example.com or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.