Now, with city Election Day just nine days away, I have unearthed an additional candidate for mayor, a gadfly's gadfly, you might say: Beauregard Augustus Mayer, who goes by "Gus." He's a late-comer to the game, and thus is having to run as a write-in but feels that with his unusual platform, he should have no trouble stealing front-runner Steve "Thunder" Tumlin's thunder.
Here are some excerpts from an interview I conducted with Mayer late last week.
Q: OK, Mr. Mayer, can you tell us about your platform?
A: "Sure. The first thing I plan to do is build a new City Hall, with a clock tower taller than the one on the new Cobb Superior Court Building they're working on across the street."
Q: And how do you plan to pay for it?
A: "Well, I plan to do what city officials have always done when they needed more revenue - I'm going to raise rates for the BLW!"
Q: What about traffic downtown? Do you think we need a new parking deck?
A: "No. I plan to permanently close the streets around Marietta Square and make it a pedestrian mall. We won't need as many cars that way, and there won't be as much need for parking places. The streets downtown will be empty except for Philip Goldstein's dumpsters."
Q: But what about the newly reopened Strand Theatre? Wouldn't it be hurt if you close the streets?
A: "Well, under the Mayer administration the Strand is going to have a new format. We're going to junk all the high-brow stuff and convert it into a burlesque house."
Q: Interesting. But back to traffic. What about Whitlock Avenue, the perennial issue in Marietta politics. Should it be widened?
A: "Absolutely not! I plan to double-deck it, with in-bound traffic down below and out-bound traffic up above. And I plan to build an elevated freeway for Whitlock over Marietta Square that would tie back in to Roswell Street via a big cloverleaf at the bottom of the hill where the Meeting Park development was supposed to be. Now, it will be two roads meeting, instead of people."
Q: Well, as you know, that's where Clay Homes public housing used to be. Now that we've torn down most of our public housing projects, what do you think the city should do?
A: "Since we've torn down most of our public housing, I plan, if elected, to start tearing down much of our private housing as well. First we'll bulldoze the slummiest areas, then we'll move along and mow down most of those rundown World War II-era duplexes, then we'll knock out those boring looking 1950s ranch-style houses until all we have left are the historic old Victorians and the fancy new McMansions from the 2000s. And that will be our new trademark: 'Marietta, home of the McMansion.'"
Q: And what about the entrance corridors into town, most of which I think everybody agrees are looking shabbier by the day?
A: "I think that rather than try to bring up those decaying entranceways, it would be simpler and cheaper to bring down the nice ones. So I plan to push to change the city's zoning laws to allow for big billboards, flashing signs, gas stations, convenience stores, strip malls and strip joints along Church and Cherokee Streets. And why do we need so many Victorian houses along Kennesaw Avenue? I want it to look more like South Marietta Parkway and Cobb Parkway. Our streetscapes are too inconsistent, and since it would cost more to improve the lousy looking streetscapes than it would to let the nice ones deteriorate, I plan to let nature take its course. Our prior mayors and councils have let most of our entryways go to seed, so I plan to pick up where they left off."
Q: Well, I guess that would help keep spending lower. But do you have any ideas on how to raise revenues?
A: "Yes. I think instead of more fiber optics, the Board of Lights and Waterworks should open a brewery. Then we'll just change the name to the BLB - the Board of Lite Beer."
Q: I see. And any changes planned for how the city council does business?
A: "Of course! I propose we shrink the council from seven wards to just one, Philip Goldstein's. He's already the most powerful and most experienced councilman, and owns most of downtown. We don't really need the other ones."
Q: I guess not. Will you continue Mayor Bill Dunaway's fondness for TAD subsidies?
A: "Yes. In fact, I not only favor TADs, and retro TADs for projects that have already started; I also favor retro-retro TADS for projects that are already finished - if there ever are any."
Q: What else do you have in mind?
A: "We're gonna rename Marietta High School after Eric Zeier."
Q: Now there's an idea! But what about the Marietta Conference Center. Do you think the city should sell it after the economy turns around?
A: "Heavens, no! My administration will a 'gentleman's club' there to help build buzz and perk up visitation. Not only will that increase liquor tax revenues, it will help boost the occupancy rate and hotel/motel tax revenues. And in conjunction with that, I also plan to propose we implement a 'massage tax.' If Marietta can have a massage parlor a block off the Square for years, why can't it have adult entertainment in the Conference Center?"
Q: Good point. Speaking of the Square, any changes planned there?
A: "You bet. I'm gonna put up a statue of General Sherman. He inadvertently started the first rejuvenation of downtown Marietta, and now we need another one more than ever!"
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT - a campaign platform unlike any I've ever heard in this town. He added that if you want to vote for him, you'll need to write in his name on the ballot - "Beau Gus Mayer."
By the way, my interview with Mr. Mayer took place on the Square, just outside Eddie's Trick Shop.
Trick or Treat!
Joe Kirby is Editorial Page editor of the Marietta Daily Journal and author of "The Bell Bomber Plant."
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