‘A Timmy Lee Christmas’ (with apologies to Charles Schultz)
by Kevin Foley
December 20, 2013 12:17 AM | 1386 views | 3 3 comments | 38 38 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Narrator: It was finally Christmastime, the best time of the year. Everyone was happy and full of holiday cheer.

That is, everyone except Timmy Lee.

Timmy (to Bobby Ott): I think there must be something wrong with me. I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. I might be getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy.

Bobby: Timmy Lee, you are the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe JoAnn is right. Of all of the Timmy Lees in the world, you are the Timmy Leest.

Timmy goes to the mailbox, pokes his head inside. Looks disappointed because it is empty.

Timmy: Rats! I didn’t get a Christmas card from Lisa Cupid. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

Walks down the street observing happy friends.

Narrator: Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, but Timmy Lee was still sad.

Timmy sits in front of Helen’s psychiatric booth.

Timmy: I am in sad shape …

Helen: Hold up there, Timmy Lee! I need five cents from you for my kind of advice!

Timmy reaches in pocket, drops a nickel in her money can.

Helen: Boy, I love the beautiful sound of cold, hard, cash, that beautiful, beautiful sound. Nickels, nickels, nickels. That beautiful sound of plunking nickels. Now what seems to be your trouble?

Timmy: I know I should be happy during Christmas, but I can’t seem to manage it.

Helen: Well, as they say on TV, “the mere fact that you realize you need help indicates that you are not too far gone.” I think we better pinpoint your fears. If we can find out what you’re afraid of, we can label it. Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

Timmy: Maybe that’s it.

Helen: You need involvement. You need to get involved in some real Christmas project. How would you like to gift wrap $300 million for Liberty Media and the Atlanta Braves?!

Timmy: Me? You want me to give the Braves $300 million?!

Helen: Sure, Timmy Lee, it’s not your money, you block head!

Narrator: Timmy Lee hesitated. What did he know about giving a gift of hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to a huge corporation worth $17 billion?

Helen: Don’t worry. Johnny Schuerholz will be there to help you.

Narrator: Timmy Lee thought for a moment. Maybe he did need to hand over $300 million to the Braves in order to feel better about things. Helen’s confidence was almost contagious. Besides, he couldn’t let all the real estate investors down.

Helen: Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want.

Timmy: What is it you want?

Helen: A luxury skybox!

Narrator: So Timmy held a meeting two days before Thanksgiving and the gift was delivered.

Timmy and Bobby standing on the dais at the Board of Commissioners.

Timmy (to Bobby): The tax payers are really mad and now The Weather Channel wants a taxpayer gift too! Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I don’t really know what Christmas is about. Isn’t there anyone who understands what Christmas is all about?

Bobby: Sure, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

With his security blanket, Bobby stands under a spotlight.

Bobby: Christmas is about taking from the middle class and giving it to the rich and powerful. It is through this misplaced charity we discover we’ve been had.

Merry Christmas!

Kevin Foley is an author, writer and public relations executive who lives in Kennesaw.
Comments-icon Post a Comment
From Kennesaw also
December 20, 2013
Great comments Mr. Foley. Keep up the good work for the upcoming year and a very merry Christmas to you and your family.
From a little elf
December 20, 2013
....And there may be some gifts under the Christmas tree that says don't open until May 20th, 2014.

Kind of looks like a lump of coal but could be letters from lawyers or even the framed political obituary of a few elected public fools.

With enough luck, There may even be enough 'cheer' for some to hold their presents unit 16.
Guido Sarducci
December 20, 2013
Foley, only you can turn a stupid move like Lee made in realtion to the Braves, into an attack on Christmas.
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