Time for some news you can use — or not
by Bill Lewis
July 13, 2013 11:26 PM | 1025 views | 0 0 comments | 36 36 recommendations | email to a friend | print
With official Washington seemingly lying low at the moment (in anticipation of doing absolutely nothing during its annual August recess), you might very well be experiencing news withdrawal. To fill the void, I’ve taken the liberty to peruse and summarize the headlines on the magazines and newspapers at the grocery store checkout lines on your behalf so you don’t feel totally out of the loop. Par for the course, there are many fascinating people involved. Feel free to use the following as conversation starters at any or all summer soirees you’re throwing or attending.

ANGELINA. According to the headlines, she’s down to 92 pounds, and Brad is very fearful for her life. I don’t know this for sure, but I bet she’s so skinny that the “Billy Bob” tattoo she sported commemorating a previous marriage to bad-boy actor Thornton now simply reads, “Blob.”

NEW YORK, NEW YORK. There’s never a dull moment in the Big Apple, right? One of the leading candidates for Mayor this year is Anthony Weiner. You may recall the former Congressman had his 15 minutes of fame while still in office when he sent a link via Twitter featuring an inappropriately suggestive picture of himself to a 21-year-old woman from Seattle. After vigorously denying his actions, he finally admitted engaging in other similar activities with a variety of women. No word on whether they were actual constituents or not.

But wait, there’s more. Former Gov. Eliot Spitzer is running for city comptroller. Spitzer resigned his office back in 2008 because of his consorting with high-priced ladies of the evening. As the latest report indicates, in an interesting twist of fate, Mr. Spitzer will compete against Kristin Davis. She’s the ex-madam who apparently supplied him with the escorts.

ROYAL BARF BAGS. Sorry, that’s pretty much what they’re being called. It seems a plucky entrepreneur has capitalized on the constant and continuous coverage of the upcoming birth of Will and Kate’s heir to the throne. Sensing the mood of many of the Queen’s subjects, the forward-thinking woman has mass produced pink and blue bags suitable for use during gastrointestinal distress after finally getting fed up with the whole bloomin’ mess.

BRUCE JENNER BAGS. No, not really. But, not to be outshone by his camera-hogging Kardashian stepchildren and estranged wife, Mr. Jenner purportedly recently had a bit of a meltdown in front of photographers. One scene in particular shows the former Olympic Decathlon champion saluting the press with the international sign of discontent. Either that or he was simply indicating that he was the number one celebrity in the Kardashian clan and don’t you forget it.

VANNA WHITE FLIPS. Oh sure, you know all about how well she turns letters on Wheel of Fortune. (Did you also know she makes about $4 million a year for that strenuous gig? That’s what the reports say.) Proving even more that she’s no dumb blonde, Ms. White reportedly likes to flip houses as well. She buys properties in need of work, fixes them up and sells them for a profit. I don’t think she wears the same clothes as she does on the show while hammering and painting, but that would certainly add a touch of glamour to her second job.

SUPER SECRETS OF JFK, JR. Since it was around this time of year in 1999 that John F. Kennedy, Jr. and his wife were killed in a plane crash, the news sources which deal with this sort of story usually feature some deeply-buried concocted innuendo. Unfortunately, the tabloid that screams this year’s flash had the whole scoop on the inside pages, but I just couldn’t bring myself to buy the paper.

I decided I’d rather save my money and spend it on the great new conspiracy stories that are sure to arise as we get closer and closer to November. That’s when we’ll reach the 50th anniversary of the assassination of President Kennedy. Here’s a preview of what to look for: Lyndon Johnson, J. Edgar Hoover, the Mob, Fidel Castro, J.R. Ewing, three guys named Larry, and half the citizens of Dallas were all involved in the shooting. And Lee Harvey Oswald was eating a tuna fish sandwich in the Book Depository lunchroom when everything went down.

Remember, you heard it here first. (Believe me, someone will surely find the crusts of Oswald’s sandwich behind a soda machine.)

OK, now you’re up to date. Unfortunately, you can only use most of this news until some politician or celebrity does something else stupid. So figure it’s good for 24 hours tops.

Bill Lewis is a freelance writer in Marietta.
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