I don’t know Jennifer personally, but I thought she might be able to help me see out into the future. That way I could dazzle you with startling predictions of things to come — like the end of civilization as we know it or when a woman heads the Southern Baptist Convention, which to many Baptists would be the same thing.
Imagine my disappointment to read in Thursday’s MDJ that the planning commission turned down Jennifer’s request — or, to be more accurate, those who were pushing for the rezoning on her behalf. According to the article, the lawyer representing Jennifer et al told the MDJ’s Jon Gillooly that crystal balls would not be involved or any “outlandish costumes.” Leave it to a lawyer to be a party pooper.
The commission’s turndown, however, does raise a fair question: If Jennifer is a bona fide psychic; shouldn’t she and the lawyer have known ahead of time that the zoning request would be denied? Just asking.
Fortunately, all is not lost. The issue now goes before the Cobb County Board of Commissioners on April 16. Even without Jennifer’s input, I can foretell that Commissioner Helen Goreham will have her cliché machine cranked up and will tell Jennifer in no uncertain terms that nobody wants to “pet this rattlesnake.”
I predict that Jennifer won’t have the foggiest idea what Ms. Goreham is talking about. Neither do rattlesnakes, who still wonder how they got drawn into the recent commission debate on illegal immigration in the first place. My rattlesnake friends have assured me that they are all here legally and that they have never asked Commissioner Goreham or anyone else to pet them. Rattlesnakes don’t like controversy nor do they like being petted.
I hope Jennifer has better luck with the commission than did my favorite mules, Jack and Jill, who got shipped off to Montana or Canada — I get those two places mixed up — because the commissioners decided after spending money to bring Jack and Jill to Cobb County from Alabama, they decided they didn’t want to spend $3 million to tear down some outhouses at Hyde Farm so that Jack and Jill could demonstrate how farmers used to plow — as if that is something we need to know. Even the rattlesnakes thought that this was not the commission’s finest hour.
Jennifer and I would make a formidable team. We could play off each other’s strength. She could handle the psychic part and I would let you know what she sees on and over the horizon.
We could tell you with absolute precision when You-Know-Who Institute of Technology will (a) have even one-third as many Rhodes Scholars as does the University of Georgia; (b) will witness their scholar-athletes defeat the scholar-athletes from the aforementioned university in a game of tackle football; or (c) get a sense of humor. Even without Jennifer’s help, I feel confident in saying that none of the above will occur in my lifetime — or Jennifer’s.
With uncanny accuracy, we could predict the actual moment Rep. Earl Ehrhart (R-Powder Springs) will dredge up another long-forgotten television character when provoked and if he ever plans to introduce legislation that will acknowledge that public school teachers exist and could use some love and money, too, like the school scholarship organization scheme he has promoted for private schools. We could call it the Robin Hood Act because we would be taking from the rich and giving to the poor. If it would help, he could keep the details secret from the tax-paying public as he seems wont to do with the SSOs. (I predict if he reads this, Ehrhart will be highly tempted to refer to Jennifer and me as “Gloria and Meathead.”)
Jennifer could tell me who is going to be our next U.S. senator and if Bob Barr is elected to Congress, will he get a personality transplant? I would be the first in the neighborhood to know if and when Michelle Obama says anything worth repeating. The possibilities are endless.
I am rooting for Jennifer. She and her psychic powers would be a valuable addition to the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company with or without an outlandish costume.
Until we get this issue resolved, I will muddle on into the future trying to give as many humor-impaired souls as I can find as much heartburn as possible.
I predict that is exactly what she would want me to do.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.