I don’t know if you watched Jimmy Carter’s speech to the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, but I’ve seen more excitement at a car wash. To be kind, it wasn’t the most stirring moment of the convention. The man could bore the fleas off a yard dog. See for yourself:

“Hello, I’m Jimmy Carter.”

SILENCE.

“I used to be President of the United States.”

SILENCE.

“I am appearing by video because no one wanted me there in person. They were afraid I would talk to a chair. Tee-Hee.”

SILENCE.

“I want to see Barack Obama re-elected president because if his second term is as bad as his first, then maybe I won’t be considered the worst president ever. Already people are comparing his presidency with mine, but I don’t think there is any comparison. I was a great president. I keep telling people this but they won’t listen. I guess maybe I am a legend in my own mind.”

SILENCE.

“When I was president, you couldn’t play on the White House tennis courts without my personal approval. Yeah, Iranians held our embassy employees in Teheran hostage for 444 days and interest rates were higher than my approval ratings but nobody ever sneaked on the tennis courts while I was the leader of the Free World. I’ll betcha Obama has probably never even set foot on the tennis courts. He is too busy playing basketball. By the way, I once scored 6,000 points in a basketball game and can still dribble a ball with my left earlobe.”

SILENCE.

“And how about this? I saw a bunch of killer rabbits one time and I wasn’t even scared.”

SILENCE.

“Did you know that North Koreans love me so much they call me “Yeoksamgakhyeong.” Rosalynn and I were overwhelmed by their adoration. I found out later that the word means, “Inverted Triangle.” No, I don’t understand it, either. Those North Koreans have a weird sense of humor. Anyway, that’s better than what the Israelis call me.”

SILENCE.

“By the way, let me remind you that Barack Obama and I both won the Nobel Peace Prize. We got it for not being George W. Bush. The Nobel Committee doesn’t like George Bush. But they don’t dislike him so much that they would give the Nobel Peace Prize to Joe Biden. Joe is about five cards short of playing with a full deck. Hahaha! That’s a joke, folks.”

SILENCE.

“Speaking of jokes, do you remember the time when the country was floundering and I went on television and told the American public it was all their fault? That was just a joke, people. I said that stuff so I wouldn’t get re-elected. I hated that job. Why Obama wants to do this again, I can’t imagine. When I was invited to speak to you, I was asked to talk about “hope” and “change.” Okay, I hope Barack Obama wins re-election so that when he gets through mucking up the country, it will change people’s minds about me and my woebegone administration. Oops! Did I just endorse him?”

SILENCE.

Okay, my time is up. In conclusion . . . .

YEAH! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! IT’S ABOUT TIME! GO TALK TO A CHAIR! WE WANT STREISAND! WE WANT STREISAND!

“Rosalynn, did you hear that applause? Baby, I’ve still got the magic. No wonder the North Koreans think I am an inverted triangle.”

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at yarb2400@bellsouth.net or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139