Answer: First, is your Wi-Fi router on? A lot of people forget this. They also can’t remember where their Wi-Fi router is. Yours may be in the Situation Room or in the bowling alley or underneath Joe Biden.
Second, restart your computer. But back up all the data for the entire government first. This should take no more than two or three years.
Third, are you using a laptop? If you are — and we suspect it’s a Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 100 — make sure the modem is working. That is the thing that goes: SQUEE-AWK ... SQUEE-AWK ... PING-PING-PING ... GRSHHHHHHH.
If you don’t hear that sound when you dial in, replace the four AA-cell batteries in the laptop. This could fix your problem, or it could trigger a nuclear launch. So be careful. Maybe you should let one of the kids do it.
Fourth, clear your cache. Those scamps from the press corps may be sneaking in to use your computer and leaving cookies behind. Consider blocking all sites that contain the words “Kardashian,” “Miley Cyrus” and “Cruz.”
Fifth, have you considered selling Obamacare door-to-door? It works great for Avon. Or you could do home parties like Mary Kay. Wouldn’t getting a pink Cadillac be totally cool?
Sixth, call Snowden.
Seventh, buy a Mac.
Dear Dr. Politics: I keep hearing that Ted Cruz, a Republican senator from Texas, may run for president in 2016. I also hear he was born in Canada and is a Canadian citizen. Doesn’t the Constitution demand that a president be a “natural born Citizen” of the United States? So how could Cruz run?
Answer: Ted Cruz’s birth certificate, which was released to The Dallas Morning News at its request in August, shows three important things:
First, Rafael Edward Cruz (now called Ted) was born Dec. 22, 1970, in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
Second, his father, Rafael Bienvenido Cruz, was born in Matanzas, Cuba.
Third, and this is very important, his mother, Eleanor Elizabeth Wilson, was born in Wilmington, Del.
At birth, Cruz became a citizen of Canada because he was born there, but he also became a “natural born” citizen of the United States, in the view of many legal experts, because his mother was a U.S. citizen. According to the newspaper, Cruz’s father came to the United States from Cuba in 1957 and remained a Cuban citizen until he became a naturalized U.S. citizen in 2005. (He was working in Canada as a “geophysical consultant” at the time of Ted’s birth.)
The family returned to the United States when Ted was 4. Catherine Frazier, Cruz’s Senate press secretary, told the Dallas paper that Cruz’s mother registered his birth with the U.S. Consulate and that Cruz got a U.S. passport without a problem in 1986 to make a high-school trip to England. “To our knowledge, he never had Canadian citizenship,” Frazier said.
The Dallas Morning News found a number of experts on Canadian and immigration law, however, who said Cruz definitely had dual citizenship with Canada. After the story appeared, Cruz issued a statement saying that he would renounce his Canadian citizenship if he “technically” ever had it. “Nothing against Canada,” he said, “but I’m an American by birth and as a U.S. senator, I believe I should be only an American.”
Cruz also said: “Given the raft of stories today about my birth certificate, it must be a slow news day.”
Yeah, well, Barack Obama had a birth certificate proving he was born in the United States, but the “birther” wackos still tried to claim he was born in Kenya, making him ineligible to be president. Except it wouldn’t have made him ineligible.
Using the legal argument that now helps Cruz, Obama would have been a “natural born” citizen of the United States even if he had been born in Kenya, because his mother was a U.S. citizen. (In any case, Obama was born in Honolulu.)
So, in the opinion of Dr. Politics, Cruz is a “natural born” U.S. citizen and could legally become president of the United States.
Unless Donald Trump can’t find his mother’s birth certificate.
Dear Dr. Politics: I hear that Congress keeps “kicking the can down the road.” Why would anyone kick a can? And why would he do it down the road, where he could get run over?
Answer: “Kick the can” was a popular game in the early years of last century and still is played by members of Congress. The way Congress plays it, one member is stuffed into a large aluminum trash can, and the others kick it repeatedly as it rolls around the roads on Capitol Hill. At the end of a half-hour or so, the member emerges from the can so discombobulated that he will vote for or against anything. This is called “party discipline” or “the end of democracy as we know it.”
Roger Simon is Politico’s chief political columnist.