I am not the typical “girlie girl”. I don’t cry at weddings, I don’t think babies are inherently cute, and I don’t get all gushy at romantic comedies. So it is pretty safe to assume that my favorite holiday in February is Presidents’ Day.
There are a few reasons for this. First, the idea that a groundhog even knows what its shadow is, let alone can see it and meteorologically divine weather six weeks out is utterly preposterous. Second, Mardi Gras is a moving target (and most people only remember it through”The Hangover”-esque flashbacks when they wonder “how did I get THESE beads?”). Third, Valentine’s Day is for lazy men, desperate women and suckers. Don’t believe me? Read on.
Lazy men: Valentine’s Day is the lazy man’s get-out-of-jail-free card. For 364 days a year, you leave the toilet seat up. You conveniently (for you) “forget” that we require more substance to a movie than fast cars and big...uh...explosions. You leave all the dirty work to us, including but not limited to diapers, dog doo, and that funk in the back of the refrigerator. You think “you too” is an acceptable response to “I love you” and naively think that we’re “in the mood” on any day that ends in “y”.
But on Valentine’s Day, you can run by any Walgreen’s or Publix on the way home from work and pick up a box of chocolates and think you’re a hero. With a little planning, you might even stop by a florist and snag the last, picked over flowers and think you’ve hit a home run. For the really ambitious, you’ll even run by the mall and get some lacy almost-lingerie and have the audacity to call it a gift. For us. You’re not fooling anyone, we know that is a gift for you.
Desperate women: Believe it or not, these are usually not the single women. We single ladies just wear black and ignore everyone else’s temporary psychosis. No, these desperate ladies are the ones in relationships, the women who freak out if they don’t get a response to the text they send to their husband/boyfriend within 37 seconds. These are the paranoid women that over-analyze everything in their relationship including everything from the tone of his last “I love you” or what it really means when he wants to watch football with the guys instead of snuggling up on the sofa watching the Nora Roberts Lifetime Movie Marathon with you.
For these high-maintenance women, Valentine’s Day is the Superbowl, Christmas, and “The Bachelor” Season Finale all rolled into one. Everything hinges on this day. No other days on the calendar matter and the fact that he brought flowers when she had a bad day three weeks ago certainly doesn’t count. Because, in her mind, regardless of the length of the relationship or the depth of his affection (or, more importantly, how often he shows it), if he doesn’t deliver on Valentine’s Day, he just doesn’t love her.
The suckers: I actually blame these folks the most because they are the ones perpetuating the insanity. Most men can’t help the fact that they’re lazy. Most women can’t help the fact that they are emotional messes. But EVERYONE can take a page from Nancy Regan’s playbook and “Just Say No”. Say no to thoughtless, last minute gifts. Say no to paying a 200% premium on roses. Say no to impersonal, over-crowded restaurants. Say no to obligation cards.
Instead, consider that there are 364 other days in the year and that your sweetheart deserves to know you love them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Bring flowers home just because it is Monday and Mondays stink. Make a romantic dinner at home on a random Friday to start the weekend off right. Put the freakin’ toilet seat down! Because if you really love me, I’d rather you show me in little ways every day.
So Happy Presidents’ Day, everyone!
Agree? Disagree? Leave me a comment below.